Monday, August 16, 2010

how i learned to be a mom

I have a lot of secrets.  Things that I don't tell just anybody.  Things that aren't really that important, but are really THE most important things about me.

Everybody has their story, and this is a little bit of mine:


My parents divorced when I was 7.  I spent the majority of my youth believing that my father was an alcoholic, and that my mother was the one that left him for drinking, cheating, etc.

It turns out that my mother was the screwy one.  But I didn't know that until much, much later.

Finding out as a young adult that my mother was bipolar and also suffering from borderline personality disorder wasn't much of a shock.  It really really explained A LOT.

It helped me to understand ME that much better.  It helped me to put a name to the changing tide of emotions that I felt, the detachment I felt towards people in general, and the problems I had with my own relationships.

Had I know that crazy ran in my family, I would have done some serious soul searching and self-examination in order to understand my motivations in life.

I moved around.  A lot.  I dated abusive guys.  A lot.  I started drinking.  A lot.

At 15 I was already in the downward spiral of self-destruction.

What a way to begin, right?

But once I understood that my life up until that point was anything BUT normal, I began to heal.

I knew that being rejected by my parent wasn't MY fault.

Her hatred and anger towards me wasn't MY fault.

I WAS a good person.  And I wasn't fat or stupid or selfish or a whore or any of the other things that she said I was.

And when I finally realized that?

When that lightbulb went off in my head?

It felt like a weight....a huge weight...was finally lifted off my shoulders.

A weight I didn't even know I had.

Or maybe one that I wouldn't admit was there.

And?

I opened up my heart and I allowed myself to LOVE.

Because before that?  It was shut.  Closed.  100%

First I loved myself.  And then I learned how to love others.

And I thought that my heart had completely opened after I accepted these things about myself.  About my family.  But I was wrong.

And then I had Chloe.  And wow!  My heart nearly burst with the love that I felt for this little girl.  And I finally felt whole.  Perfect.  Complete.

She taught me what love really is.

She taught me how to be the best mother I could possibly be.

And I remember my childhood.

And it makes me want to be THAT MUCH BETTER.

For her.

For me.

11 comments:

  1. God help me, all I can do is smile for you and Chloe. *big squishy hugs*

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  2. I've got "the crazy" in my family too, sister. You have recognized and learned about your family. Which makes you several steps ahead of many others still questioning.

    I'm so proud of you for writing this post and inviting us to read/learn more about you. Helping yourself means helping others indirectly.

    You.Are.Love!

    Love,
    Lesley @Avalea

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  3. I SO SO SO get this. I am glad you felt like you could share it with us.
    I am glad that C Lo is in your life and filling it to the brim and over with love. She is going to turn out to be such an amazing, open, loving, and sweet girl because of you.
    Around here, we call doing this different than out parents 'breaking the cycle' and I will.

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  4. All I can really say is "me too" and thank you for sharing. I know how scary that can be.

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  5. So help me, if I screw up my kids...my parents will totally pay for it.

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  6. Like Ewokmama, I can say "wow, me too" too. When I let my heart open up to my son, I felt like I was losing control, losing my mind, losing my life. It was the scariest thing I've ever done.
    Now that my heart is open, I know it's the best thing I've ever done.

    And wait until you see how huge it gets over the next few years. My son is 4 and almost a half, and every day my insides burst bigger than they've ever been.

    Being a mom has given me faith in love, change, humanity, all that stuff.

    Now if I could just totally get over the case of "but why didn't you love me like I love him"'s that plague me I'll be okay.

    Luckily I've learned a lot about redemption and forgiveness too.

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  7. Chloe is lucky to have you, mama, as you are her. xoxo

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  8. Well, you know that I know.

    And that I LOVE you.

    You are everything that Chloe needs. And more.

    xoxox

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  9. dude, i'm so glad you wrote this. you're absolutely fantastic.

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  10. i could just imagine myself experiencing such amazing feeling....
    Chloe is really lucky i must say...

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