Thursday, May 6, 2010

it's all downhill from here

I remember a time when my anxiety was not managed AT ALL. I remember it, but cannot believe that I was able to function then, let alone live through it, day to day.
I'm sure I have mentioned how at my worst, I was unable to leave my apartment, from fear that people would see/look at me. I couldn't go to any store, bank, or restaurant. I used to drink before attending ANY type of social event. It was the only way I could manage.
But at the peak of my anxiety, I would get panic attacks at the most random of times and places.
During that peak, my best friend and I spent a few months driving around the country, staying with friends, camping out, or sleeping in his car. We were poor, but had a plan to make it to san francisco so he could hop on a plane back to japan, and I would fly back home.
I'll never forget this one afternoon: I was driving, it was about 95 degrees out, and we were almost in St. Louis, where we were going to attend the largest street art fair in the country. The speed limit was somewhere around 70, but all of a sudden, we started to go down a hill and I had to let off the gas. My bff noticed that I was slowing down dramatically, and the people behind us were laying on their horns in irritation.
He asked me what was wrong.
I had but one answer: we're going to die.
I was sure of it. Out of the blue, I had a full blown, paralyzing panic attack, and could do nothing to stop it.
I was about to throw up and pass out at the same time, and knew that once I did, it would be over for us.
My bff talked me into slowing even more and pulling over before things got worse.
And we were fine.
I was fine.
He never mentioned the incident again,
but when I remember the worst of my anxiety, I remember feeling that sense of utter dread and impending doom like it was just yesterday.

And I never want to feel like that again.


  1. Wow, sweetheart. I can only imagine how gripping that must be. I have had my share of panic and anxiety, but nothing to those extremes. You are such a strong person. <3 <3

  2. oh mama... you know i feel you. phone date soon please. xoxo! ps- LOVED hearing you serenade me on my birthday via voicemail. many thanks for that.

  3. I'm glad to hear you're not in that dark place anymore. It must have been so rough. I hope that things are better now and that they continue to improve.

  4. Sometimes they hit at the scariest of times. I'm glad your friend was there with you. I'm glad it turned out okay.

    I'm glad you seem to be in a better place now.

    I hope you don't ever have to feel like that again... but if you do, I hope there's someone special and amazing there to help you through it.

    Lots of love from a stranger. <3

  5. I truly hope you may never feel that way again. I also wish you well as you continue and am here if you need anything!

  6. I can't even imagine panic that paralyzing, maybe something a couple of rungs down the ladder. I just wanna scoop ya up and hugs you to death, sexy mama!

  7. And I hope you NEVER feel that way again. How scary.