Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I don't have the words...

I found out today that a close friend...a very close friend a few years back...had taken his own life.

I found this out by going to leave him a silly facebook comment, only to find that his page had been turned into a memorial for him.

I was shocked, to say the least.

It wasn't until I spoke with his wife this evening that I really became saddened by the news.  Ok, I don't think that really explains how I feel.  I feel like somebody punched me in the gut.  I feel sick.  I feel absolutely horrible.  Maybe devastated?  I don't know.

I'm not sure if I feel this way because my friend is gone, or because I have no idea why he took his life.  I know he was having money issues.  I know he had a lot of things going on in his life.

Or maybe it is because of the circumstances surrounding his death.  His wife was at work, and couldn't reach him on the phone all day.  She thought he was sleeping, and just wasn't picking up the phone.  She came home, only to find him in the basement, lifeless.  

I don't know how he took his life.  I didn't think it was my place to ask.

I cannot imagine how traumatic it must have been for his wife to come home and find her husband.  Dead.

I cannot even wrap my mind around what must have been going through his mind...what kind of emotions he must have been take his own life.

To leave behind a new wife.

To leave behind a new daughter.

A daughter only 10 months old.  2 months older than Chloe.

He was 26.


  1. Sweetie. Oh I'm so sorry. Suicide is one of those things that those who are left behind can never understand. Because it never makes sense. *sigh* I wish I was there to wrap you in hugs.

  2. I was going to say something, but it would have been exactly what Jenn said. *hugs*

  3. I am so very sorry. Suicide is so hard to deal with. It doesn't make sense, and you could drive yourself batshit crazy trying to figure out the 'why' of it. Hugs to you, my sweet.

  4. I experienced this with a friend many years ago. It's never something anyone can understands because I think we all experience pain in our lives, but for some it turns to hopelessness and I guess it just becomes to unbearable. It doesn't make sense. I'm so very sorry and would hug you if I could. If you are close with his wife/daughter, stay close. They need a warm hearted person like yourself more than ever. xoxo

  5. Sarah I have a lot of experience with this and I can tell you that asking that WHY question will rip you up. Jenn has it exactly right, NO ONE ever, ever, ever undaerstands it. It's just tragic and sad. Try your hardest to focus on the happy memories and don't waste your time trying to make it make sense.
    I lurves you and I am here (always on the couch) if you need to cry it out. xoxoxo

  6. wow i have goosebumps. i'm just so sorry that you even had to lose someone and then that way.

  7. Oh. I feel a little sick myself. I am so sorry - for your loss, for their loss. They have a tough road ahead.

  8. Sara, I'm sorry for you loss hon. I found out earlier this month that my friend had taken her life while we were away at the beach in August. I too went to her Facebook page and it was like a memorial. I still can't believe it's true and I'm waiting for her to call me and say, "Sike!"

    I beat myself up for a few weeks wondering why. I had to stop because I'll never understand. I'll never know. I hope to never feel *that* kind of pain. I hope none of us do. Remind yourself about the good times and keep the happy memories at the forefront of your mind.

    If you want to talk, I'm here. Twitter or email. Sending you great big squeeze hugs!

  9. Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what else to say, but know that I'm thinking about you. *squishy hugs*

  10. My mother-in-law did this too about 10 years ago. There are *no* words to describe the feelings in the aftermath. No way to know *why*. It's so difficult.

  11. I think Jen put it the best way possible, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, we are all here for you for "shoulders" to talk to! ((hugs))

  12. oh my dear. my darling friend. i'm sorry. so so sorry.

  13. ARGH! I am so sorry. My boyfriend when I was 16 killed himself. Honestly so devastating for me but then that turned into anger. It's the most selfish act one human can commit. Although, now I realize he must have just been so desperate. There is still no excuse though, and I am so sorry.

  14. Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I have no words, just hugs. Tons of them.

  15. I am so very sorry and am sending you the biggest hug. My father committed suicide when I was a teenager, and a few years later, a close friend who I was dating also took his life. It is a horrible, horrible thing and I wish no one ever had to experience this kind of pain. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

  16. This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday -

  17. I feel for you, his wife, and his young daughter who never got to know her daddy. My mentor, upon whom I had hoped to base my life's work, took her life when I was 21. I know people who still believe that she was somehow murdered, or that foul play was involved, because "She had seemed so hopeful" towards the end.

    Trying to find logic in a suicide is an impossibility. The truly suicidal are often observed as hopeful or "happy" right before the die, because when you are trapped in a spiral of despair the healthy cannot fathom, deciding on suicide does seem like hope.

    My hope for you is that you, his wife, and his little girl is that you will hold close to what made him special before his illness took over (for that is what we are talking about - a disease that robs people of themselves), and celebrate who he was, not focus on what he has done.

    I think writing about it in a public forum is an incredible first step. The stigma of suicide has no place in healing.

    Thanks to Schmutzie for posting this on Five-Star Fridays, which is how I found your post. I think you will find that you are in no way alone in your shock or sadness, but that there are many who have been in your place before. May that be a comfort to you.

  18. Sara,

    I know exactly how you feel. A close friend of mine committed suicide about 9 years ago. She had a lot of pain in her life. I knew she was hurting, but I never knew how much. I wish I had. It's so hard for those left behind. You will probably go through a period of anger, too. It's normal. It's very different than when someone dies of illness, or an accident. This was intentional. So don't feel bad if after the shock and the initial grief you are angry.

    Anyway, that's my armchair psychologist opinion. I'm so sorry that this happened. Thinking of you. Hugs.
    You have my email, I think? If you want to chat.


  19. I still can't wrap my mind around it. He was the LAST person I would expect to commit suicide. I don't think I ever saw him unhappy....

    I just don't get it at all. And I hurt so much because I had no idea of the turmoil going on inside his head....and in his heart.

  20. I'm so sorry this happened. And that you are going through this. And you are left with this muddy mystery to solve. I am sure there were many others who were completely unaware of his turmoil. Not that knowing that helps. Just know that you are likely not alone in this cryptic aftermath. Hope you are okay.

  21. My daughter OD'd on heroin at 20 years old. Looking in her journal suggests maybe suicide, but it could have been an accident. I know our family will never be the same. My other daughter found her. It was awful. Death is weird and I don't understand it...especially suicide. It makes no sense.