Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How to pee in your underpants


Saturday, the bf and I went to a friend's wedding.  Actually, we just went to the reception (I have to be honest, I didn't even want to go) and had a great time.  

What made it a great time?  I looked great!  Haha.  Ok, not really.  But I looked all nice and svelte.  Smooth.  One smooth operator.  

What helped me achieve this new trim figure?  Why, Spanx of course!  You know, those spandex like apparatuses...apparati....uh...garments that take forever to climb into, but once you are in, they hold you in place like nobody's business?  Yeah, those.


note: the real spanx do not actually cut your head off


I had purchased these beauties in two varieties: the one pictured above, and the cami version, which I wear to keep the ol' muffin top from rearing its ugly head when I throw on jeans and a tee.  Isn't post-baby fat great?

I had a *bit* of trouble climbing into the full body suit type deal, but after jumping around on one foot, then the other, the laying on my back, yanking those suckers on one slow inch at a time....SUCCESS!

I quickly put my new dress on and checked the mirror for the total effect.

Holly good god mother in heaven.  Or father.  Whatever.

I looked GREAT!  I swear.  SWEAR (sometimes).  Promise you that I dropped inches and dress sizes with these amazing inventions.  I heart spanx.

Full of excitement at my newfound body, we headed off to the reception.  I was getting compliments left and right.  Psshhh....and owning it like I was the queen of england.  Is she still alive?  

Anyways...yes.  The compliments:  I was getting a ton.  No matter that most people hadn't seen me since I was huge and 9 months pregnant, or the fact that almost all of them were drunk when we arrived... I was getting compliments.  Nectar of the gods.

Totally.

And then I had to pee.  I headed off to the ladies room (yes, I say ladies room here, just to keep it klassy), and pulled my dress up in preparation to sit down to pee.

And then I realized my dilemma.  I still had this union suit of spandex on.  Hmmm....crap.

Why had I waited so long to pee???????

And then I noticed the most amazing feature of these here Spanx.  A pee hole.  Yes, a pee hole.  They make the crotch area all nice and cottony and slitted so that when you sit down, the slit spreads (total eww) and you have a nice little hole through which to pee.  

One problem.

Nobody told me this.

And I wore underwear underneath my Spanx.

Total Life Fail.

So what's a girl to do in such a dire situation?  Completely disrobe, of course!  Yes, I had to untie the sash of my dress, unzip the side zipper, pull it over my head, hang it on the freaking HOOK on the door, and then proceed to wrestle myself out of the jaws of life.

And no, it is not any easier to get OUT of them than it is to get into them.  

I was making so much noise, one of my stall mates asked if everything was "going ok in there."

No biotch.  I have to pee and I can't get out of my slimming underwear.  Happy?  Ho.

Finally, I did manage to get them down enough, and didn't have to leave the wedding due to pee pee pants.  I can only imagine the horror that would have followed such a tragedy.  I can still hear the chants of "pee pants Rausch" following me down the halls.  Or maybe that was just in my head.

After relieving myself, I did what had to be done: I pulled up my undies and wrestled myself back into my spandex diet.  Yes, I HAD to put the underwear back on.  Why?  Because the only other option was taking the Spanx off the REST of the way (down the legs and off the feet), removing the underwear, and then putting the ENTIRE set of Spanx back on.  

I just didn't have that kind of time!  I had already missed out on the appetizer and salad!!!

(I didn't really.  The salad was all kinds of good with orange segments and pecans.  Mmmm)

After checking to make sure I didn't have toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or the back of my dress tucked in god knows where, I exited the bathroom, and continued to accept the compliments thrown my way.  ;-)

And I didn't pee again for the rest of the night.

25 comments:

  1. ha ha funny!
    a pee hole? that sounds a bit dirty! I think I'd opt for the undies underneath too LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha ha oh I needed a laugh today this was hilarious!!! Wow who knew a pee hole? Well at least you will know next time:) I bet you were gorgous! Mwah!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good one Sara. Glad you had a muffin-top free, good time! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was hilarious!!! I want to see pics of you looking sex-ay! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was all excited in the beginning and you caught me completely off guard with the pee thing! This was hysterical!

    Between Spanx and the Shred (are you still doing it, by the way) you had to have been rockin' it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok that was a great read...hahahaha! I have some pictures from my wedding that were hilarious. I had those great lil cameras you put on the tables. Well my comedian bridesmaid ran to the bathroom with hers (Little to my knowledge until I had the film developed). I got some great shots of her spanks!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HILARIOUS - I would be to scared to use the "hole", knowing me it would turn into an utter disaster!

    ReplyDelete
  8. That description of the crotch-slit that opens when you squat, totally heebed me out. Freaky but hilarious...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Maria - I think I'm gonna throw on (struggle into) my spanx tonight, JUST to "practice" using the pee hole.

    Yes, I'm being serious.

    Cara - mwah!

    everybody else - thanks for such a great response! makes me want to write more often!

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG! I had no idea spandex was "easy access" clothing!! Dude, if it were me I totally would have peed my pants. Because not only have I gotten stuck in a sports bra before but I also have to pee about every 5 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lesson learned: Inspect your foundation garments before going out for the night in them!!

    I'm just disappointed you didn't get a picture of how hot you looked in that dress, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lol - I'm sure there are at least a few pics of me floating around somewhere. I'll put them up when I find them!

    ReplyDelete
  13. well hot damn woman, we don't even get a pic of you lookin all fine?!??! what a tease you are!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. that's me in the picture above! *crosses fingers behind back*

    promise

    ReplyDelete
  15. OMG thanks for the warning. I will be attending a spanx wearing wedding in a few weeks.
    And I love that you looked on the bright side of the situation KUDOS!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Holy shit man. I never would have thought of that. I will say, getting spanx on and off is the worst thing ever. Someone needs to invent zipper spanx.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Omg, I would have peed myself! Oh, but here's a thought? Why didn't you just push your panties to the side so you could use the handy-dandy spanx slot down there? LOL.
    Also? Why no pics of you looking hot in your dress?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh dear, that is too funny. But also helpful to me if I ever try some of these. As I have to pee a lot. Not going for the rest of the night? Not an option for me. Now I will know not to wear underwear with spanx. Consider with post your civic duty for the year.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Pretty sure I just peed my pants reading this.

    You are teh funny.
    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi! Found you over at A Little Left of Lost!

    If it makes you feel any better, I always end up getting piddle on the pee hole anyway. It's a tricky bastard.

    Mox

    ReplyDelete
  21. One word- SCISSORS!

    ReplyDelete
  22. you disgust me. whore. american women are the most deceitful, shameless, treacherous bitches in the world. Enjoy your AIDS.

    ReplyDelete