Sunday, September 20, 2009

Get a life

I am SO over nosy neighbor lady.

In case you haven't "met" her yet, nosy neighbor lady (NNL) is a 50's ish single woman who lives in the apartment directly next to mine. I am very lucky to have such an attentive neighbor.  No really.  I mean, wouldn't YOU want somebody to come knock knock knocking on your door whenever the baby cried, or she thought the baby was crying?

Aren't you jealous that I have a nosy neighbor who lets me know that "she gets worried whenever she hears the baby crying"  and that "she really cries a lot, doesn't she?"

Yeah.  Don't hate.  I'm moving soon and this apartment can be all yours.  Maybe you can forge a close relationship w/ NNL and she can be a nosy grandmother of sorts to your kids.

Not sold on the point yet?  She is a GREAT motivator to clean!

Whenever she comes knocking at your door to see if "everything is ok in there", you will have the fear of god put into you that she is going to call child services on you, and god forbid they come to an apartment with dirty dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor.

I have considered telling her to mind her own goddamn business a few times.  I HAVE told her that babies do in fact cry, especially when they are teething.  But now, this childless woman knows better than me, and has determined that I am an unfit mother.

Also, my bf is an unfit father.  She knows this because we have tattoos.  Cuz obviously tattoos = bad parenting.

Never mind the fact that I nanny for a living.  

So, NNL, if I had a direct line to the man upstairs, I would certainly ask him to smite you (or whatever the term is that you crazy kids are using these days) with a bolt of lightening, cuz she certainly deserves every last ohm of electricity.

The end.


  1. christ almighty, i would've told her where she can stick her nose a while ago. do you have a peep hole in your door? can you just not answer when she knocks? or yell to her "i can't get to the door right now, my tattoo artist came over and we're working on chloe's sleeve!!!"

  2. Or better yet put fake tattoo's all over Chloe, then take her and go knock on NNL's door and ask to borrow a cup of cocaine... I mean sugar, yeah, sugar's probably better.
    PS. I would totally ohm the bitch for you

  3. OY. Why do people have to be such idiots? Wonder why a woman like her is all alone. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of stupidity. We have been there before too, and I usually make it worse by offering to 'fuck them up' if they something to me again. SO I commend you for putting up with this and being the bigger person until you get away from her.

  4. I would ask her if she had any better ideas on how to keep a baby from crying. Let her know you have already tried a muzzle, drugs and your hand over her mouth. I hate NNP and I really feel for you!

  5. Oh I just ADORE it when childless people tell me what I should do with my children. It's my favorite thing. Nut jobs.

    YAY on moving soon.

  6. I'll trade you for my Crazy Neighbor. She'll give you unsolicited exercise advice, plan out a whole new diet for you, insult your post baby body then tell you "it's not as bad as I expected", let you know what you can do to be as hot as her, & ask you to drive her to her psychiatrist appointments.

  7. You are so funny Tom. I deal with this same shit from my in laws. They also think I'm unfit to be married to their son, much less to be the mother of their grandchild. It's so frusting. They think my church is a cult (Unitarian Universalist). They disapprove of our daughter's name (Jezabelle), my tattoos, my green hair, and pretty much everything about me that makes me me. It's really annoying that I'm able to be tolerant of their differences but they are so into intolerant of mine. At least your moving soon. I sometimes dream of the day when I can move far away from my inlaws. LOL

  8. NNL obviously has nothing better to do with her time. i know you can't wait to move!

  9. I bet she gives kids toothbrushes and toothpaste on Halloween too!