Monday, June 22, 2009

S s s sangria!!!

Original recipe: (for Spanish Sangria)

  • 1 bottle red wine (dry-ish)
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 1 cup club soda

  • Thin slices of orange/lemon optional
Mix the wine, sugar, and juices together and let sit in refrigerator.  
Overnight is best if you add slices of fruit, but an hour or 2 is fine.  
Add club soda and a bunch of ice cubes RIGHT before serving.

For extra flavor, cut up chunks of peach and throw into the mix!

White wine version: (sweeter)

  • 1 bottle white wine (dryness to taste)
  • 1/4 cup triple sec
  • 1/4 cup sugar (to taste, really)
  • 2 cups ginger ale
  • thinly sliced orange & chunks of peach optional

Mix the wine, sugar, and juices together and let sit in refrigerator.  
Overnight is best if you add slices of fruit, but an hour or 2 is fine.  
Add ginger ale and a bunch of ice cubes RIGHT before serving.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

down the rabbit hole

Tomorrow I have an appt. with my psych lady - actually a psychiatric assistant - and I am totally dreading it.  First of all, I HATE going to the doctor.  At least when I have to take baby girl, I can get over my yuckies and know it is for her own good.  That usually gets me through it.  Although I had to take her to a new doctor yesterday, and I swear to god I almost threw up half a dozen times while there, just due to my anxiety.  *note to self, do NOT go to dr. on a full stomach*
No I didn't puke, just was very very uncomfortable, and kept my eye out for the nearest garbage can JUST IN CASE.

Luckily I am at a point with my anxiety where I KNOW I probably won't puke or pass out, but if I do, it isn't the end of the world.  I honestly don't care what people think of me, but a huge part of the anxiety comes from being made a spectacle of.  Weird, I know, cuz I am a very outgoing person and tend to be the "life of the party" if you will.  Then again, I usually have drinks while out, so that probably has a LOT to do with it.

Anyways, I have to go see psych lady tomorrow, which means bringing baby girl downtown, parking in the parking garage, walking over to the proper building, and waiting in the waiting room.  I DO NOT LIKE THE WAITING ROOM.  If I could go to the doctor and not wait, I think I would be just fine.  I usually make sure I have a water bottle on hand to sip from, and a shit ton of mints to suck on in order to take my mind off things.  Bringing baby girl helps a lot too, cuz I can focus on her. I also tend to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with my fellow waiting room patients...although it is not that obvious.  Still, I like to make things up in my head.

Schizophrenia there....a little manic depression over there....OCD lady by the purell bottle repeatedly sanitizing her hands....yeah.

When I finally get called in after 30 minutes of waiting, I get to listen to said semi-doctor lady tell me about HER life.  No joke.  I know all about her kids, her marriage, her pregnancies, c section, gestational diabetes, lack of (or too much) coffee for the day, new assistant...blah blah blah.  I have NOT spoken about myself since our first meeting almost a year ago.  Even then, it was only for about 10 minutes, going over my history of anxiety. 

Now, I have to listen to her TALK and TALK and TALK for a half hour.  It is excruciating.  Literally.  I almost can't stand to go.  And you know what?

She writes me a script for whatever I want, whenever I want it - within reason.  

Hello Zoloft, Klonapin, Ambien, Xanax, Valium.  Whatever.  She doesn't care.  Any she will write out massive quantities of them, too.  I didn't even know the one drug I was taking had a HUGE addiction potential, and that I was prescribed this drug multiple times daily with refills for 7 months.

It's nice to know these people are there to keep you sane, huh?


* for those of you that read this and think i'm a pill popping addict: my above statement was meant to convey my sarcasm at the medical community, and the lack of regulation in prescribing potentially dangerous and addictive drugs *

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Better Living Through Medication ;-)

Aaarrghhhhhhhhh ANXIETY!!!!!!!

About me:

About 9-10 yrs ago, I had a horrible episode which required a trip to the er, ultimately ending in a diagnosis of untreated hypothyroidism. My blood pressure, blood sugar and pulse dropped so low, it was like a diabetic coma. Ok not QUITE that severe, but I was unable to talk, walk, swallow, etc.

Anyways, within a year of that episode, I began to have issues of anxiety. Feeling nervous about going out to the store, tense in the shoulders when I had to wait in line...things of that nature. I studied and got one of my BA's in psychology, so I knew how to handle these episodes: breathe, relax, and understand that my anxiety was unfounded. While I knew all of this, and physically made myself deal with it, my brain chemistry continued to get worse. I began avoiding the grocery store, the bank, the movie theater.  

OH the movie theater...I don't know that I can EVER step foot in one again. I had such a sever anxiety attack, I passed out on my way up the aisle while rushing out, and collapsed on the floor. I was horrified to wake up with the lights on and people staring at me.

These little things only compounded my anxiety, and after it growing for years, I finally realized that I needed help. I NEVER EVER wanted to go on meds. I KNEW that I would never need them, and I was almost too stubborn to take them. Why? Because my (estranged) mother is bipolar and really effed with my childhood b/c of her untreated mental illness. I promised myself that I would be as unlike her as one possibly could, which would ultimately mean that I was normal. Well, I had to eventually face those fears and go see a doctor about my anxiety b/c my entire quality of life had been compromised.

I wouldn't go out of my apt. if people were around to see me. I couldn't wait in ANY line (at a store) w/ out feeling like I would pass out again or throw up. And I felt that if I passed out, I would surely die. So, before I went out to do ANYTHING, I would have a drink or two to take the edge off. Not a good thing. And not possible when going to job interviews.  

So yes, finally after 6 YEARS of trying to do it on my own, I was prescribed meds, and haven't looked back since. I don't have any anxiety about parenting, funny enough. But I do have diagnosed General Anxiety Disorder, Agoraphobia, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Panic Disorder. And this is the agreed upon diagnosis of 4 different doctors that I have seen; psychologists, psychiatrists, and MDs combined.  

Needless to say, as the past few years have gone on, my levels of medication have increased to the highest doses possible, at which time I have to get a supplement and then switch to another drug. Right now I am on 200 mg Zoloft, 1 mg Klonapin twice daily, and have Ambien for my constant insomnia.  

I never thought I would be so reliant upon medication, but I know what it is like to live w/out them, and that is a future I don't think that I can face. I know w/o a doubt that if I were not on medication, I would not have my child, job, friends, or health. I'd probably have a very damaged liver and cobwebs in my hair. lol

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that I cannot "work through", and I have made my peace with this. As others have commented, "if I was diabetic, I would be taking insulin." Same difference. =)

For a continued discussion of anxiety, medication, and depression, please visit Nic's Blog (she is one badass chica).

Monday, June 8, 2009

Here is something that I just don't understand:  people who use their children in order to gain sympathy and attention from others.  The old Munchausen By Proxy syndrome.  Ok, maybe I spelled it wrong, but I'm tired and so don't feel like looking anything up right now.

I bring this up because of the stories I have been hearing/reading lately about "parents" who ought to be taken out back and shot.  A fellow mom wrote a bit about 2 stories in her blog, one of which was the story of April Rose.  I don't know all the facts, but apparently this person claimed to be pregnant with a terminal child, but decided to have the baby anyways, if only to spend a few moments with her before her passing.  Turns out (from the evidence I have found on google), that this woman was a fraud and there never was such a child.  She had about 1000 people praying for her daily and visiting her (ad filled) blog, hanging on to her every word, in the hopes that maybe there might be a miracle and this little child would survive.  When it came time for the birth, this "mother" took pictures of a FLIPPING DOLL and posted them as if it were her child.  Yes yes, I should be proper and not drop the ef bomb, but can you believe the nerve of this woman?  Here are some facts about the whole charade.  They have a link to the pictures of this supposed child, along with pictures of the doll, side-by-side.  Disgusting. 

What the hell is wrong with people?

Another "mom" that was vying for attention....turns out that she was poisoning her child the whole time by feeding her crap.  Yes, literally...crap.  These people should be locked away for the rest of their lives.  Yes, I understand this is an illness.  That they need mental help.  Ok fine.  Let them receive this help behind bars, where they can never touch another child again.

Maybe I'm so pissed off b/c this story hits WAY too close to home.  Right now I feel completely helpless in this situation b/c of who it involves.  I have spoken with the appropriate parties and voiced my concerns over the matter, but so far, nothing has crossed the line to the point where something needed to be done about it.

But if it does, I swear to God, I am going to step in and do something about it.  I don't care if this means hatred towards me for butting my nose in where it supposedly doesn't belong.  I don't care if I completely ostracize myself from this circle.  What matters most is that a child is taken care of and kept from the hands that are harming him/her. 

 This family definitely needs help...I just don't know how to begin.

Monday, June 1, 2009

The most beautiful girl in the world

Chloe ~ shopping for a sun bonnet

Make It Rain

Originally posted August 23, 2006

I thought I should write a little something about the Waits show, before I forget all the little details.  

The show was 8/13/06 in Akron, 8pm.  The weekend had already tired me out, as Warped Tour was Friday, with a little party afterwards, and then work all day Saturday and another party Sat. night.  Sunday I had to be at work at 7:30 am, and brough Mike along with me.  He pretty much slept the morning away, either in the car, or in the house I was visiting.  By the time we finished (around 1-ish), I was dead tired.  I think I had no more than 3 or 4 hours a sleep for the past 4 or 5 nights before that, and very very little to eat the whole weekend.  I'm talking 1.5 orders of french fries.  Not really a good idea, but when I have a weekend like that, I really am not very hungry.

SO, we get back to my house, hang out and watch a movie (yay to Choke) and lay in bed for awhile.  I wanted to sleep, but just couldn't.  I am not much of a napper, except when I am hella sick.  Decided I should shower, although laziness took over and I ended up staying in bed.  We made drinks around 2, and headed down to Akron around 4:30 or so.  Bought some beer, which we drank in the car when we finally parked on the street in Akron, and had a few when we arrived.  

Oh yeah - when we were hanging out at home, I kept saying "Guess what?" And Mike would answer, "What?"  Me: "We are going to see Tom Waits today!"  I don't think either of us could really believe it.  Maybe we didn't think it was actually going to happen.  I know I have QUITE a history of bad luck about these things, but the fact that I scored tickets made me think that maybe my luck had changed.  

My luck must have changed, as I completely left out part of the story:
Friday night, Mike and I were running out to pick up food and beer, and when we got into the liquor store, I realized that I didn't have any money on me, as my wallet was not in my purse.  I figured I had left it at Ryan's house (where we just came from), and I would get it when we got back there.  When we returned, we searched for my wallet everywhere, but to no avail.  It wasn't in my car, Ryan's car, the house, etc.  It was gone.  In my wallet were (most importantly), my credit/debit card, ID, confirmation number for our Waits tickets (will call), birth certificate, and SS card.  I had the last 2 in there b/c I just had to get a new driver's license earlier in the week.  Without ANY of that stuff, there is no way we could pick up my tickets from the will call window.  They were super strict about the rules, and you had to have the first 3 items that I listed above to pick up your tickets.  Mike thought I lost my wallet during the day at Warped, but Ryan said that he was sure I had it at the house.  Mike and I decided to run up to the 2 places that we had just visited (Taco Bell and liquor store) and see what happened.  We got to Taco Bell, and lo and behold - there was my wallet, in the parking lot.  Untouched, although it was over 30 minutes since we had last set foot in the lot.  Pretty crazy.

So, back to Sunday.  After a few in the car, we decided to walk around and see what we could find.  It was amazing - so MANY people from all over the country had come together to see Waits play that evening.  I really thought that all the fans would be grown-ups, but there were quite a few younger people as well - more "ecclectic" type of kids (well, my age-ish) than normal folk, but you get my drift.  There was a bar next door to the venue, which it seemed every Waits fan had decided to go to, as very few restaurants/taverns were open that Sunday.  There was some food festival going on as well, but you had to purchase tickets for food - like $2 for half a hamburger or some nonsense.  We avoided the festival, and stopped into the crowded bar for a moment.  It was TOO crowded, so we kept walking.  During the walks, it was back to the car for another beer or 2.  Little car parties all afternoon long - haha.  

Finally found a little taco place, and I decided to eat, as I felt SUPER shaky and really just run down.  I got a bean burrito, and ate a bit of it.  Couldn't eat more than a few bites, as my stomach wasn't happy about being filled up with food again.  

Walked back to the car, took some pics, and then decided to go in to get our tickets.  At that point, I REALLY realized that we were going to the show.  It hadn't really even hit me up until that point.  Kind of like a dream, you know?

Got the tickets, and went to find our seats.  CRAZY good seats!  We were on the floor, just about center, about 50 feet from the stage!  I think we were both a bit giddy at this point (and probably a bit smelly as well).  =)   Went to buy another beer up at the concession stand, and made friends with the guy working there.  Haha - I love making friends EVERYWHERE.  It paid off later, though, as he ended up buying me a drink.  That worked out nicely, as the beer there was $5.  I still have my 2 plastic bottles from the show - ah memories.

Went back to our seats after a quick trip to the bathroom - didn't want to have to get up during the show, and there wasn't going to be an intermission.  Show was scheduled to begin at 8, but didn't start until around 8:40.  When it did, though.  Oh My God.  When the lights went down, the crowd just errupted.  Screams, applause, probably even some crying (oh wait, that was me - j/k).  And then - shadows.  The curtain was brightly lit, and the figures of the band were shadows.  You saw them walk up to the curtain, and then come out.  After a brief delay...the MAN made his grand entrance. 

When I think about the show or have daydreams while at work, that is what I see in my head.  =)

And then it began.  I really didn't know what to expect, sound-wise, but his voice was more amazing in real life than I had ever hoped.  It just blew me away, and I still get goosebumps when I hear any of the songs that he sang that night.

I really don't have words to describe the show itself, but suffice it to say that EVERY one in the crowd knew how lucky they were to be there (tickets sold out in less than 10 minutes), and gave SO much energy to the show and experience as a whole.

Waits sang and played (and told some stories) for about 2 hours, and then came back for an encore.  After he finished that, the crowd wasn't going anywhere, and clapped and cheered until he came back again.  It was weird - I don't know when (if ever) I have been in such a situation where people have all gathered together for a communal purpose, and are there in an almost reverent manner.  Some people have waited their entire lives to see Waits sing, as he rarely tours, and when he does, it is nearly impossible to get tickets.  Like I said, everybody felt honored to be there that night.  I know I did.  Most importantly, I was able to share the experience with somebody whos presence there that night actually meant something.  Mike is a HUGE Waits fan, and I was so happy to be able to score tickets and go to the show with him that night.  I don't think either of us will ever forget August 13th, 2006.   

And Mike, don't forget - firstborn child, and his/her name WILL be Tom.