Monday, December 21, 2009

A little help from my friends

Mamas! Mamas!

Calling all mamas!

I need H E L P!

K, here is the scoop:

Chloe will not go to sleep until well after midnight. Usually closer to 1 am. She is completely wide awake, and plays and plays until she finally just succumbs to the sandman and closes those pretty little eyes of hers.

I can't keep staying up so late. I need (NEED) at least an hour to myself before I go to sleep. To decompress. Unwind. Just be quiet and read for a bit. But with C lo going to sleep at 1, I find myself staying away until 2 or 3 just to get that alone time in.

I have to find a way to get her to sleep earlier. I don't care if it is even 11:30, I just need it to be before midnight.

The pertinent info:

Chloe sleeps in bed with me. She hates HATES HATES her crib and will not even let me set her in it for a second, awake or asleep. She never used to mind sleeping in it when she was smaller, but with her reflux, ALTE history and everything, we just kept her in bed with us so we could keep an eye on her at all times. And then...well, I just liked having her in bed next to me. Now? Co-sleeping is what we do, and it is a-ok by me.

Wake up happens for us around 9 am. We wake up, we cuddle in bed and watch a video together while she has a bottle, and then we start our day.

Naptime takes place between 2-4 pm. Never any later, sometimes a little bit earlier or not as long. She sleeps wherever for her nap. The couch, chair, pack & play at grandmas. Yesterday she didn't even take a nap and she was still awake until after 12:30 am.

We actually go to bed around 10 pm. I make a warm bottle, change her into her pajamas and feed her with the lights off while cuddling with her. Sometimes she just lays next to me and eats quietly. Regardless, she'll pop right up after and start playing in bed. Even with the lights off. For 3 hours. Yeah. Sadface.

I think that's it. If you need any more info, please let me know.

Based upon all this info, what can you suggest for me to do to get her to sleep earlier? I'm getting frazzled, and have bad insomnia myself, so when I stay up *past* my natural bedtime, I have a very very hard time falling asleep.

I'll take whatever you've got. Just throw those ideas at me.

Thank you mamas!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Temper temper

My sweet little girl has turned into something that rivals the main character from the exorcist. Would that be the devil or the little girl possessed by the devil? Either way, it fits.

Not only is she teething up a storm, but she has learned that throwing a tantrum when she can't get what she wants is probably the best solution, as is hitting me. Oh, and the arching of the back thrown in with loud screams and thrashing seems to be a favorite, too.

The absolute BEST part about all this? When I reprimand her by saying a stern "no" ... she just laughs at me. And not just any laugh, a hysterical laugh. I almost feel like she is mocking me.

Maybe she is.

Anyways, I love this almost 1 year old so damn much, not of the temper or teething issues bother me one bit. Even after I reprimand her, and she laughs, I can't help but crack a smile and laugh a little bit myself. =) I know, not the best way to show her that I am serious, but what the heck. She's my kid. I love her to death and can never stay mad at her, even for a second.

I'm thinking this does not bode well for me in the years to come. =P

Can you say softie?

In other news, bf and I decided to get me/us a flip cam this weekend so I can record all of this nonsense (totally not nonsense) and put it up for you to see, and keep it for myself to look back on when I get old and senile. Like next year. =D

K, I made myself write. Job done. I'm going to try and post again this weekend.

Don't hold your breath.


Monday, December 7, 2009

The post about not posting

I don't know how so many of you post something new every day. I guess you just have the writing gene. =) I have a different kind of writing gene. The nerdy kind. The one that allows me to write dozens and dozens of pages on the driest subjects ever, like Spinoza's mathematical proof of the existence of God. I actually had fun with that one.

But I just can't sit down and write for the sake of writing.

I feel like I should post more often, to chronicle certain events and milestones, but I just don't have the drive.

I attended Blog it Forward this past Thursday, a benefit for Anissa thrown by Chef's Widow. I should be writing about how Chef's Widow and I were best friends in grade school, lost contact with each other, and reconnected through twitter and blogs. Thursday was the first time I had seen her in almost 16 years. Yeah. But I just can't seem to find the time or energy to write about it.

I should be posting how this benefit raised over a thousand dollars for Anissa. Which is amazing, and makes me feel very proud of my city. And I'm a girl who really has very little pride in Cleveland. Well, I didn't. I'm learning to. Reading Chef's Widow's blog has a lot to do with that.

I should be writing posts about my baby girl. About how amazing she is. About how grown up she is already. How it makes me so happy and so sad at the same time to see her almost walking. WALKING!

But I have too much to do. SO much to do. I never find time to sit down and write about it.

And I'm afraid that I'm not going to remember.

One of the side effects of the anti-anxiety meds that I take is poor memory. I have SUCH an awful time remembering all sorts of things. Important things, silly thing, trivial things. But those little factoids are the things that I love to remember. That I fondly look back on...that help me to remember what something felt like...smelled like...all the emotions involved.

Sometimes I feel like my memory is getting worse and worse every day. I don't know if it is just me, or if it is the meds. Or maybe a combination of both.

It's fun when I can reread old books and still be surprised at the end, but I worry that I'm not going to remember these days with my baby girl. I have taken so many pictures so far, but with the move, my camera hasn't been charged, so I've not chronicled her life in the past few months, other than by cell phone.

I have asked the bf for a flip cam for xmas. I'm hoping that I get one so I can record all my favorite moments with my girl. Her cheesy smile. How she loves to kick and splash in the bathtub. The face she makes right before she sneezes. I even want to remember how she does a silent open mouthed cry in the middle of the night before the big WAHHHH! comes out. =)

She is my everything, and I don't want to forget even one second of one minute of one hour of one day with her.

I love her.

So I will try to write. I'll tell stories about our day. Our night. How she cried a big silent cry before the big WAHHHH! came out. And then we can both look back on the stories and smile.


Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A rose by any other name...

Chloe Kendall

also known as:

C lo

Clo Clo

Clovis, Clobie, baby girl,

beauty, thunderfoot,

my little Chichen Itza

Toots McGee.

I love her so.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Blog it Forward: Happy Hour for Anissa Mayhew

Attention Cleveland!

The beautiful and amazing Chef's Widow contacted me last week, after hearing news of Anissa Mayhew's second stroke.  She wanted to help Anissa and her family through this tragedy, and asked if I would be interested in planning a happy hour fundraiser with her at her restaurant, The Greenhouse Tavern.

Of course I said yes!  I would be able to help out a fellow blogger, mommy, & friend... 

AND finally visit the Widow's restaurant at the same time.  Did I mention the dollar beers?   Wine Specials?  Appetizers?  

All details can be found here:  Blog It Forward.

Please Join me at The Greenhouse Tavern on December 3rd, from 5-7pm, and let's raise our glasses to Anissa, her strength, and her family.

Proceeds will be going directly to the Mayhew family.

I look forward to seeing you there!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I've got a case of the yuckies =(


i found out yesterday that the bacterial infection was twofold: i have a group b strep infection AND an e coli infection. wtf. seriously? thank you body for being awesome and keeping me going up to this point.

i'm taking strong antibiotics, and the dr says i should feel better in 2 weeks. it'll take a month for this to clear out, but i'm just happy it is finally getting fixed! yayayay!

***end update***

Ok, first, let me say that if you think that I'm girly, or cute, or attractive in any way, please stop reading now. Cuz the following is going to ruin that forever.

Yes YOU.

You know who you are.

*looks around*

All clear?


Oh ya, and if ever there was a post with too much information? This would be it.

When I had Chloe back in January, I knew that she would be my (our) only child. I wanted one. One child. No more, no less.

So, at my 6 wk check up with my OB, I had him insert an IUD. The easiest form of birth control. I didn't have to think twice about it. It's there. In me. No pills to remember, no plastic-y rubber ring to insert monthly, no weight gain associated with hormone based birth control.

Easy peasy pumpkin pie!


For the past 8 months (and a few weeks), I have had the WORST problems. Girlie problems. Problems where I finally begged. Yes BEGGED my doctor to just cut my uterus out and be done with it.

I knew I didn't want any more kids. I also didn't want to bleed 20 days on, 10 days off. And not just bleed. Hemorrhage. To the point where I would soak through a super plus tampon every HOUR.

See, I told you to stop reading!!! =(

For those 20 days, I would cramp. Cramp like I have never cramped before. My abdomen hurt ALL. THE. TIME.

I could FEEL my right ovary. It hurt too. It felt like somebody was shanking me in my lower right side. Sticking in an ice pick and slowly twisting it.

I went to the dr repeatedly. I told him I hurt. I told him that EVERYTHING made me bleed. My life was a bloody mess, fueled by money which went directly into the hands of kotex and tampax.

Yes, I still have a sense of humor.

After exams, ultrasounds, cultures, smears...shmears...and a mozillion specula later, my doctor said we just had to remove the iud, and go from there. If i had no relief, we would do exploratory scoping, then surgery.

And so the iud came out.

And it was sent to the lab.

And it came back as being full of bacteria.

Somehow, some way, my uterus has been full of nasty bacteria for the past 8 months.

My ovaries are full of bacteria, and have been marinating in this nast for the past 8 months.

And now it is all coming out.

Dear moonpie, is it all coming out.

I'm not even going to regale you with the imagery of what is coming out of my body, cuz it makes even me sick.

But I'm glad it is finally coming out.

I'm glad i finally have some answers.

I'm very glad that I don't want to have any more kids.

I don't know what is going to happen next.

I'm just waiting.

Waiting for my body to do its thing.

Clear me out.

Heal me up.

Make everything right.

I hope.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Very very tired. Yes, this is going to be a rambling nonsensical post.

I'm ready for a looong nap. With a down comforter. In front of a burning fireplace.

I want to keep my hoodie on all day. All week. All year.

Fedor is amazing.

Best pound for pound fighter. Ever.

He did it again.

I'm afraid for the day that he loses.

Or maybe he will retire before then.

Chloe needs to stop growing.

She'll be a year old in 2 months.

How did that happen?

Is it naptime yet?

It is?


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Diaper Drive Update!

Hello everyone, and thank you for contributing towards my diaper drive!  I'm not going to list who the donations were taken for, as I don't know that she would want that information public.

I am constantly in awe of the generosity of the men and women, mothers and fathers, that are out there in the twitterverse.  Thank you so much for helping us take care of one of our own.

Ok, here are the details of what your donations purchased:

1 package of Pampers Cruisers, size 3, 160 ct

1 package of Pampers Cruisers, size 6, 160 ct

1 case of Pampers Baby Fresh Wipes, 770 count

1 little gift for momma.

Shipping takes 1-2 days.  They didn't give me an option for overnighting the order, but hopefully she will get them in time.

Once again: thank you all for your quick response to my messages this morning.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Be my guest

Sometimes you just need to let it out.  Vent.  Speak your mind.

I blog when I can't talk, need time to think of the right words, or have to spew forth the thoughts running through my head.

Some friends don't blog, but need that same outlet. 

I open my page to anybody who just needs to have their voices heard.  

Libertygirlie, a fellow mommy tweeter, sent me the following:

Beautiful Sun

Beautiful Water 

Somehow when my mother named my sister and me, she knew. Before we had even had a chance to show her the tiniest bit of our personalities, she understood them just right. 

My sister is like the sun. Fierce, strong, fiery. Her life has always been intense and, at times, out of control. She's passionate and highly emotional. 

I'm more laid back. Calm and constant like the tide of the ocean on a quiet day with no breeze. Mostly I just go with the flow. 

It's hard to be her sister sometimes. Like the times when she's out-of-control-angry, and her temper can be quite scary even if her anger is directed at someone else. Or when she's depressed and extremely needy, calling in the middle of the night crying and hysterical. Or when she ignores/doesn't return my phone calls, e-mails and text messages, and I wonder, "What did I do? Or not do? Did I say something that pissed her off? Is she going to just stop talking to me and cut me out of her life without a word like I've seen her do to countless other family members and friends? Was that last phone call really the last phone call? Is she even still alive???" 

And yes, when it's been weeks since I have actually heard my sister's voice on the phone, I really do seriously worry if she's still alive. Because of things she's told me during those late night hysterical phone calls. Things like, "I just want to die, I've thought of killing myself" or, during her recent, temporary split from her almost ex-husband, "Well if I die you'll know that he killed me." 

It's been so long now that I don't even remember the last time I talked to her or what we talked about. I finally got a few texts from her tonight saying she just didn't feel like talking. The wording just wasn't her style. Something is wrong. And I'm worried. 

My imagination is running wild, and then I tell myself I'm probably just overreacting. This is probably just her being crazy and selfish and herself. I'm just overreacting, and she's fine, right? 


Monday, October 26, 2009

I gots my Jimmy Choos

So, while driving today, I noticed a lonely old shoe, just lying next to the road. I started to wonder as to how that shoe just so happened to get there. How do people lose just ONE shoe...on the side of the road???

Then, to my horror, I thought that maybe the person had been hit by a car and knocked right out of their shoe. Yeah, their SHOE, not shoes. Does that even happen?

If it does, and you survive, what do you do with the other shoe? Do you keep it and buy a new pair, then have, say, 2 right shoes and one left? Or do you just discard it?

I think I would look for the missing one and wear them as a pair.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Why I love the Free Clinic

Ok, so it's not THE free's the dental clinic for welfare moms and old people on medicaid. 

Why I love it:

2.5 hours in the waiting room.

Old women who complain about having to register for a DENTAL clinic when they have no teeth.

Same women who tell me they need teeth so they can eat peanuts again.

(We'll call them) SLOW people drooling on me and grabbing at their crotches when I make eye contact with them.

Dirty diarrhea diapers.

And last but CERTAINLY not least...the old man who didn't quite know where he was, or how he got there.

Monday, October 5, 2009

clique here

you can find my awesome rantings about twitter cliques and bitches over here today as the lovely and talented chef's widow was gracious enough to host my guest post.

comment there... comment here... or hide behind your computer screen and continue to respond only to "the chosen ones."


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It's better to be scrappy than crappy

I am honored that Danielle-Lee of A Little Left of Lost chose me to receive the Honest Scrap Award.  This is an award that is given for honesty and sincerity in blogging.

It means a lot to me to get this award, as my blog (although sometimes neglected) is my means to vent, express myself, remind myself of things..feelings...emotions.  I put myself out there, no holds barred, for the world (or 36 followers) to read.  

Some may not like what I have to say, and that's ok.  

I say it for me.

10 things you may (or may not) know about me:

1) I am secretly way self-conscious about my front teeth on top.  I think they are very crooked, and therefore will only smile with my lips closed.

2) I have a hard time saying no to people.  I would rather accept the burden than make another person do so.

3) Ever since I had Chloe, I am constantly late.  For everything.  No matter what time I leave the house.

4) I love watching crappy reality tv like The Real Housewives, or The City.

5) My memory is shot.  I can watch a movie one day, but have no recollection of the plot the next day.  Or the actors.  Or the name of the movie...

6) I went to 5 years of college to earn 2 degrees, but am happy working at a job that requires no education.

7) I still don't quite feel like a grown up.

8) I secretly judge people by how they look, even though I say that I don't.

9) I am afraid of falling down stairs and breaking both legs.

10) My family (bf and baby girl) mean the world to me.  The entire world.  And I don't think I could make it without them.

Here are some bloggers that deserve the Honest Scrap Award, too:

Nic @ MyBottlesUp - not only for her rape survivor post, but for everything she writes.

Katie @ Overflowing Brain - for sharing the ups and downs, highs and lows of being a graduate student while dealing with the aftermath of brain surgery in late 2007.

Heather @ The Spohrs are Multiplying - an obvious choice for the most honest blog I have ever read.  It chronicles her life before and after the loss of her sweet daughter, Madeline.

Ali @ My Life with Them - as a mom just returning to work, she lays it all out there, good or bad.  One of my first twitter friends/moms/bloggers.

Lu @ Jaded Perspective - cuz I love her, and you should, too. 

Well, I guess that's a wrap.  Enjoy your day (even though it is Tuesday, the yuckiest day of the week) and try to be honest, today and every day.  Honest with everyone else, but especially honest with yourself.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


I asked Nic @MyBottlesUp  to write a guest post for me, since I felt I needed a change of .....everything, and because she is one amazing woman and equally amazing writer, she obliged.

Thank you Nicole for everything you do.  For being my go-to gal when it comes to fevers, diarrhea, allergies, and life.  You are my fairy angel....sister from another mother.

Thank you for being you.  I love you.


i guess i should first say that i prefer to write in all lowercase letters.  second of all, many thanks to my girl, my love, sara for asking me to guest post for her.  (personally, i think she's just being a lazy ass and not wanting to write herself, but nevertheless, i shall oblige because after all, she's my gurl).

on with my post... my words...  my voice...

i developed an affinity for tattoos years ago.  ink.  needles containing colors that forever mark your skin.  the tattoos i have represent an ongoing
story for me and will continue to do so.  my story is important to me.  my tattoos are important to me.  and while my love for ink may have began as a 20 something college kid, it's developed into something so much more.  it has matured, as have i.

it is a story that i will one day share with my son.

jackson (17 months now) already points at and runs his delicate, precious fingers over the tattoos on my wrists. he has never known me without them.

i have marks.  we all have marks.  women and mothers have marks. both seen and unseen.  known and unknown.  visible and invisible.

whether our marks are as outward as some of mine, or as inward as mothers who struggle with PPD...  they are all marks.  leaving their own impression.  making their own stance.  and leaving us mothers forever changed and searching for a way to heal.


jackson was born via c-section.  so i have a scar on my lower abdomen, near my pubic bone.  that's how my son came into this world.

i love my c-section scar.

i imagine that mothers who have delivered their babies vaginally (pain and suffering aside, though i'm not sure one can put that aside... then again i haven't blasted a human out of my vag, so i don't know)... have scars, if not internally also externally.

again, a healing must take place.

a scar takes time.

i take pride in my scar.  it may not be in my nether regions where i did not have to be sewn up, but there is a sense of pride that i have in my c-section scar.  i see it with each shower i take and think to myself "that's where the magoo exited my body."


being a tattooed mother, an "inked" mother... i have endured criticism (bleh)... judgment (eh, suck it!)... and looks from strangers who i imagine look at me and think whateverthehell they want to think.

but in being a mother with tattoos...  tattoos that my
story continues to manifest itself in ink, gives me pride.


kids love stories.  kids love marks, scars, scrapes, bruises.  they want to know "where'd ya get that?"  and i get to be one of "those inked moms" who shares with my son my
story when the time is right.

it's my hope that judgment aside, women and mothers learn to accept and embrace each other not only for their similarities in being mothers, in enduring sleepless nights, engorged breasts, etc, etc... but also in those differences that makes us truly unique women...  leaving our own mark on this world in the form of our children.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I don't have the words...

I found out today that a close friend...a very close friend a few years back...had taken his own life.

I found this out by going to leave him a silly facebook comment, only to find that his page had been turned into a memorial for him.

I was shocked, to say the least.

It wasn't until I spoke with his wife this evening that I really became saddened by the news.  Ok, I don't think that really explains how I feel.  I feel like somebody punched me in the gut.  I feel sick.  I feel absolutely horrible.  Maybe devastated?  I don't know.

I'm not sure if I feel this way because my friend is gone, or because I have no idea why he took his life.  I know he was having money issues.  I know he had a lot of things going on in his life.

Or maybe it is because of the circumstances surrounding his death.  His wife was at work, and couldn't reach him on the phone all day.  She thought he was sleeping, and just wasn't picking up the phone.  She came home, only to find him in the basement, lifeless.  

I don't know how he took his life.  I didn't think it was my place to ask.

I cannot imagine how traumatic it must have been for his wife to come home and find her husband.  Dead.

I cannot even wrap my mind around what must have been going through his mind...what kind of emotions he must have been take his own life.

To leave behind a new wife.

To leave behind a new daughter.

A daughter only 10 months old.  2 months older than Chloe.

He was 26.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Get a life

I am SO over nosy neighbor lady.

In case you haven't "met" her yet, nosy neighbor lady (NNL) is a 50's ish single woman who lives in the apartment directly next to mine. I am very lucky to have such an attentive neighbor.  No really.  I mean, wouldn't YOU want somebody to come knock knock knocking on your door whenever the baby cried, or she thought the baby was crying?

Aren't you jealous that I have a nosy neighbor who lets me know that "she gets worried whenever she hears the baby crying"  and that "she really cries a lot, doesn't she?"

Yeah.  Don't hate.  I'm moving soon and this apartment can be all yours.  Maybe you can forge a close relationship w/ NNL and she can be a nosy grandmother of sorts to your kids.

Not sold on the point yet?  She is a GREAT motivator to clean!

Whenever she comes knocking at your door to see if "everything is ok in there", you will have the fear of god put into you that she is going to call child services on you, and god forbid they come to an apartment with dirty dishes in the sink or laundry on the floor.

I have considered telling her to mind her own goddamn business a few times.  I HAVE told her that babies do in fact cry, especially when they are teething.  But now, this childless woman knows better than me, and has determined that I am an unfit mother.

Also, my bf is an unfit father.  She knows this because we have tattoos.  Cuz obviously tattoos = bad parenting.

Never mind the fact that I nanny for a living.  

So, NNL, if I had a direct line to the man upstairs, I would certainly ask him to smite you (or whatever the term is that you crazy kids are using these days) with a bolt of lightening, cuz she certainly deserves every last ohm of electricity.

The end.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Nothin' like hanging out in your underwear on a Saturday afternoon.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

How to pee in your underpants

Saturday, the bf and I went to a friend's wedding.  Actually, we just went to the reception (I have to be honest, I didn't even want to go) and had a great time.  

What made it a great time?  I looked great!  Haha.  Ok, not really.  But I looked all nice and svelte.  Smooth.  One smooth operator.  

What helped me achieve this new trim figure?  Why, Spanx of course!  You know, those spandex like apparatuses...apparati....uh...garments that take forever to climb into, but once you are in, they hold you in place like nobody's business?  Yeah, those.

note: the real spanx do not actually cut your head off

I had purchased these beauties in two varieties: the one pictured above, and the cami version, which I wear to keep the ol' muffin top from rearing its ugly head when I throw on jeans and a tee.  Isn't post-baby fat great?

I had a *bit* of trouble climbing into the full body suit type deal, but after jumping around on one foot, then the other, the laying on my back, yanking those suckers on one slow inch at a time....SUCCESS!

I quickly put my new dress on and checked the mirror for the total effect.

Holly good god mother in heaven.  Or father.  Whatever.

I looked GREAT!  I swear.  SWEAR (sometimes).  Promise you that I dropped inches and dress sizes with these amazing inventions.  I heart spanx.

Full of excitement at my newfound body, we headed off to the reception.  I was getting compliments left and right.  Psshhh....and owning it like I was the queen of england.  Is she still alive?  

Anyways...yes.  The compliments:  I was getting a ton.  No matter that most people hadn't seen me since I was huge and 9 months pregnant, or the fact that almost all of them were drunk when we arrived... I was getting compliments.  Nectar of the gods.


And then I had to pee.  I headed off to the ladies room (yes, I say ladies room here, just to keep it klassy), and pulled my dress up in preparation to sit down to pee.

And then I realized my dilemma.  I still had this union suit of spandex on.  Hmmm....crap.

Why had I waited so long to pee???????

And then I noticed the most amazing feature of these here Spanx.  A pee hole.  Yes, a pee hole.  They make the crotch area all nice and cottony and slitted so that when you sit down, the slit spreads (total eww) and you have a nice little hole through which to pee.  

One problem.

Nobody told me this.

And I wore underwear underneath my Spanx.

Total Life Fail.

So what's a girl to do in such a dire situation?  Completely disrobe, of course!  Yes, I had to untie the sash of my dress, unzip the side zipper, pull it over my head, hang it on the freaking HOOK on the door, and then proceed to wrestle myself out of the jaws of life.

And no, it is not any easier to get OUT of them than it is to get into them.  

I was making so much noise, one of my stall mates asked if everything was "going ok in there."

No biotch.  I have to pee and I can't get out of my slimming underwear.  Happy?  Ho.

Finally, I did manage to get them down enough, and didn't have to leave the wedding due to pee pee pants.  I can only imagine the horror that would have followed such a tragedy.  I can still hear the chants of "pee pants Rausch" following me down the halls.  Or maybe that was just in my head.

After relieving myself, I did what had to be done: I pulled up my undies and wrestled myself back into my spandex diet.  Yes, I HAD to put the underwear back on.  Why?  Because the only other option was taking the Spanx off the REST of the way (down the legs and off the feet), removing the underwear, and then putting the ENTIRE set of Spanx back on.  

I just didn't have that kind of time!  I had already missed out on the appetizer and salad!!!

(I didn't really.  The salad was all kinds of good with orange segments and pecans.  Mmmm)

After checking to make sure I didn't have toilet paper stuck to my shoe, or the back of my dress tucked in god knows where, I exited the bathroom, and continued to accept the compliments thrown my way.  ;-)

And I didn't pee again for the rest of the night.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Chloe Kendall, author-at-large


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baby girl typing away (taken w/ macbook camera)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I love everyday people

Sometimes you just connect with somebody.  Sometimes you just "get" each other.  Sometimes somebody else can say it better than you can.

The following was written by the most amazing Angel aka @themommytsunami

You can find her own poetry, prose, and pictures at

Thank you for your words.



I am an emotional woman.  

There is no denying that.  In many periods of my life, though, I have been hard-pressed to find another human being that would listen to/empathize with the emotions that I was feeling. 

I would be sad. 

Very, very sad. 

And I would turn to sibling/parent/friend. In their face, I would see a puzzling look.  A look that, to me, said, “What the fuck?” Or, “I don’t get it. Why are you so sad again?” 

Or, I would be overjoyed. 

Very, very overjoyed. 

And again, I would turn to a loved one. Again, quizzical looks, bewildered responses. 

Why, oh why, was it so hard for me to be understood? Why could I not find my kindred spirit?  The yin to my yang? 

And then I discovered my refuge. The place in which I could find solace for sadness, enthusiasm for energy.  A place where I was understood and I was understanding right back. 


Now, I am not a musically talented soul.  I sing. Loud and proud.  But, probably off key and flat or sharp or whatever musical description of “not right”  that you could insert here. 

In music, I found those like souls that felt deeply, expressed passionately and shared with abandonment. 

Music has defined my life.  Through singing, dancing, listening, I have found my therapy. 

And today, I want to share some of that music with you.  Maybe you feel the same.  Maybe you are looking at this page, puzzled by what I mean, by what I am writing. Maybe you are lost and don’t know how to find yourself.  Maybe you and I will make that magical connection that I believe that music has the power to make.   


The first major role that music played in my life is with my mother.  My mom is a disco queen.  I vividly remember driving in our yellow Maverick, listening to Michael Jackson at full blast, windows rolled down, my mom busting the words out to Rock with You, swaying in her driver’s seat, as I sat passenger seat (remember, this was 1980...children drove in the front seat back then...) beating the rhythm out on the dashboard and screaming the lyrics out at the tops of my lungs.  When we would arrive at home, my mom would turn on Soul Train, and then we’d boogie to something by The Gap Band.  Literally, our dancing partner might be the vacuum cleaner, our microphone a hairbrush.  My mom did not have an easy life. She had a marriage to my biological father full of violence and pain and loneliness. She was raising two daughters and had no money and lived far enough from her parents that she wasn’t “close.” But, despite all of that, I remember my early childhood with fondness.  My mother taught me to find joy in music despite the daily despairs in life.  She also taught me that music is a way to bond with your children.  Today, I often sing my actions aloud to my babies, and we blast the radio in our Suburban as we drive down the street, seat dancing to Michael Jackson, or the Beatles, or the Beastie Boys.  My children have been known to bounce their heads to a beat as early as 6 months old.  And that makes me proud.  It’s my mother’s legacy. 

Music has also been the calming effect on my soul.  I feel very deeply.  I am not saying that no one else does.  But, have you ever felt the brink of despair? Have you ever felt that a black hole of pain has been swallowing you whole?  Maybe you haven’t.  If not, I am so very happy for you.  Unfortunately, I do.  A therapist has possibly diagnosed me as a “Highly Sensitive Person.” It doesn’t mean exactly what it sounds like.  But, essentially, my emotional spectrum is wide and deep.  Sadness for me is...melancholy.  And one who feels this cannot solely depend on the people around them to bring them back to “human.” It’s tiring and exhausting for both parties.  However, there are some amazing musicians and songwriters that describe it, sing about it, using words that, for lack of a better description, talk to my soul. 

Jimi Hendrix’s “Manic Depression”  is one of my favorites.  He speaks to me when he belts out Manic depression is touching my soul. Dido on “White Flag” sings I will go down with this ship/And I won't put my hands up and surrender. The Roots and Amel Larrieux sing in the song “Glitches” You live, you die/And spend the years in between asking the question/Why you've been through what you been.  Edie Brickell in “What I Am” states,  Choke me in the shallow waters /Before I get too deep. And when Sheryl Crow croons God, I feel like hell tonight/Tears of rage I cannot fight or Lie to me/I promise I’ll believe/Lie to me/But please don’t leave or I have a face I cannot show/I make the rules up as I go/It’s try and love me if you can... I love that song. It’s truly the anthem of my love life...Don’t feel bad.  It’s who I am.  

Basically, they are my instruments of healing. Musicians, singers, songwriters...they have lifted me from moments in my life that I didn’t know how to express, how to escape, how to evolve from.  

And, who could feel bad after a session singing? Music reminds me that I am breathing, my heart is beating, that I have a voice and I. Am. Alive.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wordless Wednesday : the faces of C lo

seven faces from seven months of a brand new life

Friday, August 14, 2009

Wordless Weekend (kind of)

Baby girl at her first fair.  She loves to pet any and all animals.  Definitely daddy's girl!

Friday, July 31, 2009

no title

 Just a post about things that are awesome:

Chloe's diarrhea is 99% gone.

Her reflux is going away on its own.  

She is down to 1/2 tab prevacid daily.  That's it.

She's gaining all kinds of weight since being on the Alimentum.

I have an amazing support network of friends.

I have an amazing boyfriend.

We created the most perfect little girl.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

things that make me go hmmm...

Why oh why do realtors or realty companies think that they can get away with totally misrepresenting the homes that they are trying to sell to people?  

I've been looking to buy a house for awhile now, but the search just became a reality when I got my new job.  We can afford to move out of this godforsaken tiny apartment and get a house.  With more than one bedroom.  With storage space.




Praise Jesus (said hey zeus) (and no, I don't pray)

I have decided to go with the whole "capitalization thing" that you people seem to enjoy.  I can't imagine it will last long...

anyways (there I go again, slipping into my old habits), i've been looking at houses.  after doing a lot a lot a lot of research, i call up my awesome super amazing realtor and make plans to see the house.  when i get there, what i *thought* was a nice house is actually a nice house without a roof.  or sometimes a nice roof without a house.  whatever.

yes i am exaggerating but wtf.  you know what i mean.

why in god's name don't people just SAY that the furnace doesn't work on the listing?  or that the roof leaks buckets?  and that the basement has 1/2 inch of standing water?

i *know* the point is to bring potential buyers to the house and make the ad as appealing as possible, but come on.  don't you think i JUUUUSTTT MIIGHHHHTTTT NOTICE that there is said water leaking into the basement?  

why waste my time?  why waste our resources (the mother effing gas i have to put in my car)? why waste the trouble it takes to lug a 6mo around hours upon end, house after house?

thank god (i use that name a lot.  from now on i will say moonpie)...thank moonpie i have a good little girl who is used to coming and going at a moments notice.

and thank moonpie that my realtor is a good sport and arranges to have me look at a million homes, only to set foot in most of them for one second, only to come to the conclusion that yes, this ALSO a one giant piece of crap.

quit playing games with my heart, realty companies.  momma's gotta do work.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

stick it where the sun don't shine

i'm awake - i have been since 7:30.  

for some of you that might not be early.  actually for me it isn't either.  i was just SO looking forward to sleeping in until 9, going to look at a house at 10, and then driving a poop sample up to the lab after.

well, i wasn't looking forward to the poop sample part, but you know what i mean.

oh, did i mention MY BEST EFFING FRIEND OF ALL TIME is home from traveling overseas the past 4 years and i have only seen him once?  for 2 hours?

yeah.  shitty.

not his fault.  mine.  i have so much stuff going on that by the time i am all done with it, i just want to come home and lay in my new king size simmons super pillow-top bed.

jealous yet?

i have yet to see c lo's godmother who has been home from the hospital over a week now.  in my defense, i was waiting to make sure baby girl didn't have any kind of infection or illness before we went and visited lauren, who just got home from almost a month in the hospital w/ 2 bowel surgeries.

chloe's poop samples came back negative so far, which is good, and her diarrhea is much improved, if not gone, so i don't even know what's up.  could she have had a virus for that long?  the diarrhea lasted well over 2 weeks.

i'm at a loss sometimes with this little one.  especially now that she just started teething.  she gets so unhappy.  it makes me so very thankful that she is such a good kid.  i DO NOT know how moms deal with colicky babies who cry for hours, days, weeks, and months on end.

i just don't know that i could do it.

so, to close, i'll "dedicate" this post to all those moms who have had to endure more than most, and who really must have the patience of a saint.

big ups.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

yeah, another post about how i don't post anymore.  i know i know.  shoot me.

i have been busy with some new things lately, as well as some old:

this past weekend was blogher@home, and i had the most spectacular time with mah ladies.  @PrincessJenn you were and are so very amazing for putting so much time and effort into the whole weekend.  you were there before, during, and after (some of) the co-hosts  you asked to help you with the party.

i am super thankful to have met some of the mommas that i regularly tweet with, and way thankful to have met even more that i didn't.  

my especial...yes especial new friend, @themommytsunami came out from under her rock in order to make an appearance, and we ended up becoming fast friends to the point where we were drunk texting, then talking on the phone, then going to blogher10 together.  that's right - our tickets are bought, bitches!

next, we are looking to buy a house in the very near future.  it is so very hard to find something that we like that the bf's dad agrees with.  he knows all about houses and construction and the like, so is very very picky about what we find.  we had a house that we loved, and were ready to make an offer on it, but the bf dad suggested (my dad did too) for us to lowball them, even though the house was listed below market price.  well, we put in our bid for about 8k less than we had originally planned, and guess what?  we lost the house to a higher bidder!  FMITA.  back to the drawing board.  *sigh*

finally, c lo is teething like CRAZY, so you know what that means: one extremely unhappy baby.  this ends soon, right?  no?  shit.


yup - so i am off this entire week, and so far i have done nothing but carry chloe around and shop for houses.  good times.

at least i have my loves to keep me company (via text and twitter)

lurve yous.


Monday, July 13, 2009

nothing to see here...part deux

i have nothing to report.

ok, i do, but i have little to no time in the day to sit down and type out a whole paragraph.  either that or i am incredibly lazy.  seeing as how my apartment is a mess and i'm watching the home run derby instead of cleaning, let's just say i'm not super motivated right now.

i'm working a new job watching a 4mo.  i really enjoy it, but do miss my other kids a LOT.  like...a whole lot.  but i am making more money, which is great, and i still get to bring baby girl with me.

working this new job provides me with a stable income, which has allowed us to finally decide to start looking into buying a house.  that is really exciting for me, cuz it is one more thing that i never thought i would do in my life.  in case you missed it, the first thing that i never thought would happen was having a kid.  and lo and behold, here is chloe!  i am so glad we decided to make a baby, and i cannot wait to have a house for her with a yard and dogs!

when the hell did i become so domesticated?

we also bought ourselves a new bed.  a king size simmons pillow-top mattress.  i'm so stoked on that, too, cuz i have never, in all my years, owned a new bed.  never.  let's just say that my last bed was passed down from my father, who got it from his parents.  yes, they slept on it, passed it to my dad, who then gave it to me.  the condition of this bed was awful....and i don't even want to think what i might find if i took a black-light to it.  *shudder*

i'm thinking about splurging on new sheets, too.

chloe's reflux has gotten pretty bad again, but the increase in meds seems to be helping for the time being.  i'm hoping this is the end of her troubles.  can't complain, though. if reflux is the worst of her troubles then i am a happy happy momma.

i love my honey so very much, and am still so grateful that i have such an amazing man in my life.  he blows me away each and every day with the amount of love he has for this little girl.

i truly am a lucky girl.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Me, Keith, & Chloe with godparents Mark & Lauren

nothing to see here...


I haven't felt much like writing lately.  Things have been changing so much, which adds to my anxiety levels like you wouldn't believe.  The added anxiety (along w/ inadequate thyroid meds) made me quite a bit depressed, so yup....silent Sara.

Molly (who I nanny for) lost her job.  Actually, she got fired for being pregnant, and is suing the company.  Regardless, I no longer have a job with them.  Sure, I'll fill in now and again, but no steady work.

Luckily a new job opportunity presented itself - nannying - and I'll make A LOT more money, but I do NOT like change.  Well, not true.  I like SOME change.  Moving to a new house, moving to a new state, going on vacation, buying new furniture...these kinds of change are GOOD.
Starting a new job, stopping for gas at a new gas station, having to use (and find) the bathroom at a new bar....SCARY changes.

I've been known to "hold it" if I can't see the bathroom in plain sight.  There's just something about wandering around, not knowing where the bathroom is that freaks me out.

Chloe's been great for my anxiety, though.  As long as I have her with me, things are a lot easier to deal with.  I can distract myself by talking to her.  

This wasn't the case, however, when I took her to the new doctor for the first time.  She was a sleep, I was full from lunch, and I had to enter a new building and locate a new office inside.  When I finally found it, I spent the entire visit looking around for the closest garbage can, just in case I needed to throw up.  Yes, throw up from the anxiety.  I DO have Klonapin and Xanax to help me through these situations (on top of my high dose Zoloft), but I need to take such a large amount, I don't like taking them when I have to drive Chloe around after.  I don't FEEL too effed up, but yeah...I am.

Hopefully I don't get too bad an anxiety attack before my first day at the new job (Monday).  I sure as shit can't take meds before I show up.  After maybe - haha - but not before.  I AM very excited to start the new job, don't get me wrong....but knowing I have anxiety makes me anxious about getting anxiety.  Make sense?

Oh well - I'll just deal with it and get through it, and eventually the whole thing will be old and comfortable.  Just like me.

Monday, June 22, 2009

S s s sangria!!!

Original recipe: (for Spanish Sangria)

  • 1 bottle red wine (dry-ish)
  • 1 tablespoon sugar
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/4 cup lemon juice
  • 1 cup club soda

  • Thin slices of orange/lemon optional
Mix the wine, sugar, and juices together and let sit in refrigerator.  
Overnight is best if you add slices of fruit, but an hour or 2 is fine.  
Add club soda and a bunch of ice cubes RIGHT before serving.

For extra flavor, cut up chunks of peach and throw into the mix!

White wine version: (sweeter)

  • 1 bottle white wine (dryness to taste)
  • 1/4 cup triple sec
  • 1/4 cup sugar (to taste, really)
  • 2 cups ginger ale
  • thinly sliced orange & chunks of peach optional

Mix the wine, sugar, and juices together and let sit in refrigerator.  
Overnight is best if you add slices of fruit, but an hour or 2 is fine.  
Add ginger ale and a bunch of ice cubes RIGHT before serving.